Not too long ago, my co-columnist wrote in this space about how for the last year, she and my sister have been spending the late part of the day together — cooking dinners, feeding their kids, washing dishes and giving the kids baths.
My sister and her husband are moving to Arizona soon, so the piece was a “bittersweet goodbye to (her) beloved co-wife.”
I’ve heard my sister joke that Chris is interviewing for her replacement. And ever since Chris , I have been fantasizing about finding my very own co-wife.
I also hate the witching hour — kids are cranky and hungry, I’m cooking and getting dinner on the table, then it’s eaten in 10 minutes and I have a counter full of dishes, kids to get to bed and tired feet.
I scream in my head like a 5-year-old: “It’s not fair! I want a wife
I’ve been thinking back to instances when friends and family have found life partners through eHarmony or other dating sites. They answered a long list of questions about themselves — their values and priorities, wants and needs — and up popped good matches.
I’ve been dreaming of similar software to help Chris find her next co-wife and for me to find a pack of co-wives. Maybe I could pitch this idea to the eHarmony people? The software could be called eBliss, after Chris’s feeling that her setup was absolute “bliss.”
In the meantime, we are happy to make some matches. Just fill out our draft questionnaire to be considered. Good luck!
Health and Safety
1. What is your idea of a healthy family meal?
a) McDonald's served with carrots
b) Anything that’s a color besides brown or white that my family will actually eat
c) Organic tofu wraps with home-grown radicchio and wild forest
d) Pot roast, potatoes, 8 oz. of milk, white bread with butter
2. Until what age do you cut the grapes for your children?
a) You’re supposed to cut grapes?
b) Until they can cut them themselves
3. How would you describe your housekeeping?
a) Neurotic, OCD-style
b) Clean at first glance, but the toaster oven smokes from old cheese and jam is encrusted to every refrigerator shelf
c) Pig Pen was neater
d) I make my own disinfectants from vinegar and essential oils
4. What is your idea of pool safety?
a) You gotta sink before you can swim
b) Mandatory swim lessons with dad yelling, “Aiden, be a man!”
c) Flotation swimsuits til age 8
5. What are your attitudes toward child discipline?
a) Mostly consist of time outs for mommy, locked in the bathroom with my meds
b) Cut your own switch method: Spanking is nothing to be ashamed of
c) If I can scream louder than them, I win
d) A little stay in juvie will teach them a lesson
e) My little princess can do no wrong
6. How do you view curfew?
a) Just don’t wake me up
b) Cinderella rule: in by midnight, no exceptions
c) By 2 a.m. is OK starting when you can drive, as long as the cops don’t bring you home
d) Nothing good happens after 10 p.m.
7. How would you best describe your practices on television watching and technology use in the home?
a) If you don’t stay on top of technology, you’ll be left behind: We have a 60-inch flat screen in the living room and smaller flat screens in every bedroom and the kitchen, the kids get cell phones at age 9, we’re getting everyone iPads for Xmas, we read books on our Kindles, family game night is on the Wii, the boys get xBoxes for their 6th birthdays (if they ask), and we have the best library of movies and video games on the block
b) Disney is the devil incarnate
c) Anything goes: whatever the kids want and whatever we can afford; just don’t steal my porn
d) I hate that I love my free babysitter, Nick Jr.
8. What is your approach to keeping pets?
a) I can’t spend my life vacuuming up dog hair
b) We’re cat people
c) We’re dog people
d) We have two indoor cats (Molly and Buster), three outdoor cats (Patchy, Cat and Fluffy), two chocolate labs (Hope and Duchess), a ferret (Riki Tiki Tavi), two goldfish (Bubbles and Goldie), and we used to have a bearded dragon (RIP Ned)
Lifestyle and Family Values
9. What is your household policy on explicit speech for private parts?
a) We use anatomically correct names in everyday conversation from birth on
b) What was good enough for me is good enough for them: “hoo-ha” and “wee-wee”
c) I stick to “down there” for all references, regardless of gender
d) I follow Oprah’s advice on this and most everything else: “va-jay-jay” it is
10. How do you view breast feeding vs. bottle feeding?
a) I breast feed so much I’ve quit wearing a bra; I just tape breast pads to my nipples
b) Pumping is my other full-time job; I have a freezer full of pumped milk
c) I use a wet nurse named Johanna
d) Formula is God’s gift to women; lactivists leave me alone
11. What are your diapering practices?
a) Jekyll and Hyde approach: I randomly switch between Pampers, diaper service and fashionable orange and green gDiaper covers with flushable biodegradable liners, depending on guilt level and mood
b) Diapers during the day till age 4 and Pull Ups at night till age 9; we have our own landfill
c) We go free range with elimination communication, otherwise known as “s--- everywhere”
d) Hand-washed organic cloth diapers with designer covers with my first child, used cloth off eBay with second, Pampers with third, Walmart brand with fourth, oldest changed all diapers with fifth (not sure what he used)
12. What are your attitudes toward alcohol use?
a) It’s 12 o’clock somewhere, and anyways, bourbon tastes better in a Starbucks travel mug
b) A little wine in the breast milk never hurt anyone
c) Long Island iced teas and diving board supervision don’t mix; I
teetotal it when I’m around the kids
d) As long as there are more than two adults on the premises, you can get as bombed as you like
13. How do you feel about talking to children about the “birds and the
a) What they don’t know can’t hurt them; they’ll find out what they need to know eventually
b) I put explicit books in our home library and deny they’re ours if confronted
c) Let the school system handle it
d) I can’t wait to explain the whole thing to them and watch them
14. How are you around other women’s husbands?
a) Men are sweaty, hairy pigs
b) It’s OK to look as long as you never touch
c) I always take both my breasts out when I breast feed!
d) I take the Schwarzenegger housekeeper approach: Secret children are OK till the spouse finds out
15. What is your philosophy on babywearing?
a) What is babywearing?
b) I alternate between my homemade sling, my Baby Bjorn, my Kelty backpack and my Mobi wrap depending on the situation,weather and our clothing choices for the day
c) I don’t partake; stroller it is for me
d) My Ergo and I have a beautiful relationship
16. How would you summarize your thinking about labor and birth?
a) Are you kidding? No watermelon is busting through my waterfront property; cut them out of there, bikini line style
b) I step to the beat of a different drummer: Pack my vibrator; it’s orgasmic birth all the way
c) I like 90s style: Pitocin, epidural, stirrups and episiotomy (or maybe vacuum)
d) Keep the butcher away; I’m staying home
e) I rotate between a birthing ball, birthing chair and birthing tub in my local birthing center’s birthing suite
17. How do you approach potty training?
a) Bribery with M&Ms and Elmo videos
b) They’ll pee in the potty when they pee in the potty
c) I mostly use verbal abuse and emotional harassment
Thank you for your participation!
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